Sippy Cups and Blackberries

Dear Jack

Look what came in the "mail" for baby #3 today (ok, really, M just put a letter in an envelope, wrote jack on the front and put it with the rest of the mail)...

 

 

For those of you who need me to translate the letter written by a 4 year old, let me help you out here:

 

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I COULD EXPLODE JACK I WISH YOU COULD GO WITH DADDY TO THE STORE TO GET ME SAMURAI POWER RANGERS.  LOVE MICHAEL

 

Uhmmm.  So possibly we have been telling Michael that his brother will bring him a special thing when he arrives.  And it is also possible that this has been discussed multiple times.  But, did I really expect him to write a letter to my womb telling his little brother what to get?

I lost my best friend .....

No, that sounds a bit worse than it is.  She is alive and well, we just aren't best friends anymore.  It is such a strange feeling to lose a best friend.  All of the sudden a switch flipped and we rarely talk.  Things changed.  A misunderstanding went in such a way that we can never really turn back.  Walls are up, barriers are made and I have been struggling for the past 3 months trying to figure out how to overcome it.  What's worse is that our eldest are the best of friends.  So it isn't like we don't have to see or talk to each other ever again.  We still have to communicate and get the kids together.  We still see each other and talk.  It is just different.  It is superficial.  She has shut down. Where before we would talk for hours and hours on end, we would pick up from a playdate and have to build in an extra 30 minutes because we would just start chatting, now that is all gone.  Now everything in life is just wonderful and grand and lovely.  Nothing to chit chat about.  We are just circling each other and pretending.

I am not sure how it got to this point.  We had been pretty much inseperable for the past 3 years.  She was my partner in crime, the shoulder I cried on, the ear I screamed my frustrations to, the heart that I whispered all my greatest fears and insecurities to.  We probably spent one night a week at each others house over a bottle of wine just talking about our lives and gave and took what we needed from each other.

Then, things started to change.  First, her husband and I fell into a disagreement about those evenings.  I am not sure where it came from, but my level of discomfort about spending all that time together was hard to overcome.  Her refusal to get involved made it harder.  I needed her help to help me understand his problems, rather than her laughing it off as he is just joking around.  I understand her not wanting to get involved, but she needed to at least let me know what is going on. 

Then I got pregnant.  And those 1x weekly nights out ended.  I was tired, not drinking and pregnant.  Things changed. 

Then there was an incident with our babysitter.  Who quit.  Unexpectedly.  And had befriended my best friend for advice on how to quit.  But my BFF hadn't bothered to tell me.  Didn't want to get involved.  I was hurt.  We fought.  I forgave.  Life went on.

But then, this Christmas, we changed forever.  I am not sure what happened.  Well, I know what happened, but it doesn't seem like something that would be a friendship ending disagreement.  That would cause such distance and anger.  I feel like there is something deeper there.  But I can't get to it.  This is what went down:

The week before Christmas, she was sick with the stomach flu. Being pregnant with a family arriving that were at the house, I avoided her like the plague. Really, the last thing I needed was a stomach flu on Christmas morning... with a house full of guests that had travelled up here.  So the day before Christmas eve, we went to her eldest Christmas Carols at school, then I spent the day cooking christmas cookies for us and her family so they could have some.  That afternoon, she sent me a message asking if we wanted to go out to dinner with them at a pizza joint/bar we frequent.  Hubby had just told me he wasn't feeling well.  I was laughing at him that he thought he was getting a stomach flu but sharing the same air as BFF.  I told her No to dinner and told her how hubby wasn't feeling well.  We had a good chuckle over his hypochondriac tendencies and how ridiculous it was.  That was it. I never even told hubby about plans with BFF that we refused.

Hubby had made plans with another family for dinner. We got take out from the same pizza joint as BFF was at.  I sent hubby and friend to go get the food.  Told him that BFF was going to be there and say hi.  Hubby saw BFF, said hi.  Everything seemed fine.

Then the shit hit the fan.  BFF lost it that I lied to her.  Refused to speak to me.  Said I was making it a point to insult her and her family by sending my hubby to an establishment that her family was at with another friend.  Refused to speak to me for 2 weeks.  Refused to acknowledge my children on Xmas. Broke my sons heart when she wouldn't let them see each other.  My eldest refers to her eldest as his brother.  She told me in one of the attempts to talk to her that she didn't want to be friends anymore.  That it was too hard.  It took weeks for us to get to a civil point, but that is all we have managed to do.  She doesn't believe that the reason we didn't go out with them was because she had the flu.  She doesn't believe that I knew nothing about the plans with the other family until well after I had told her no to going out to dinner.  She just thinks that I was "making a point".  I am not sure what point.  But a point.

So, I lost a best friend. 

We have tried to talk about it but it only turns into a fight where she accuses me of being malicious. 

We have tried to agree to disagree, but it seems like this is just something that is still hanging around.

I am at a loss of what to do.  But I am sad.  Very Very Very Sad.  I miss my best friend.  I miss talking to her 5 times a day.  I miss sending her random texts about the stupid things hubby, kids, babysitter, or I have done today.  I miss her telling me the same things.

I just miss my best friend.

It's the Little Things that I Miss

Seriously, it is the little things that I totally miss when I have kids.  I know, how selfish does that sound.  But I really do miss some of those little things.  And in about 2-3 weeks it will be even more little things.  I think that I might be having an anxiety attack over that, but maybe that is for a different post.

You know what I miss the most though?  Mornings.  Yes, mornings.  What in the world am I talking about?  I am talking about mornings.  Those things before kids that I could enjoy and have lesurely.

Where you weren't pummelled into alertness with 2 kids, 14 power ranger action figures, a stinky poopy diaper, "MOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM, can I watch TV????" "MAMMAMMAMAMMAMAMA  Banana, please?" "Aidan hit me" "Michael bonked me in head" and so on in the first 2 minutes. 

Remember that time, where on a weekend you could gradually enter consciousness and stretch and feel a genuine happy feeling for 30 seconds.  Where you could stumble to the bathroom and actually pee without a door being thrown into your knees?  A robe wrapped around you, I could huddle on the couch with a cup of CAFFEINATED coffee and enjoy some peace and quiet for a few minutes. Maybe make a quick bit to eat.  Hubby left me be knowing that I needed about a good hour to wake up and have a conversation.  Maybe I would read some pages of a book, maybe I would check email or watch tv.  But it was just quiet and peaceful.  Sure, during the week it was a bit more hectic as an alarm lurched me out of bed, but there was also a full 20 minute shower and an hour long train ride into the city to wake me up.

But now, oh now, how I miss the days of an alarm clock to lurch me out of bed!  Now it is an immediate need at 601 this am with 2 kids shouting can they get out of bed and I have a poopy diaper and where is my power rangers and can I go downstairs and get a bad guy and I have to pee.  Can I watch prep and landing? and the endless endless questions that are like an automatic weapon at my head.  100 questions in 30 seconds.  A non stop barrage of Mommy.  Where when it is done has me collapse back into bed with the comforter pulled over my head 20 minutes later for a single second of hiding.  Sometimes, if the kids are in my bed, I sneak out and lay down in their bed.  Is that bad?  They usually find me within 5 minutes as they are looking for me to provide something, anything really.  Sometimes it is as small as a "snuggle" and as big as a change my poopy diaper, but really it is ALL the time.

So, it is the small things that I miss.  A quiet hour in the morning to actually wake up and smell the coffee.  And don't say get up earlier.  550 is an ungodly hour as it is.

What do you miss?

I Caved for a Kindle

I live in a house with a technology geek. It makes it hard not to always hear about and want the latest and greatest gadget.  We have a MAC laptop and PCs, more iPhones and iPods than we can handle, an iPad, and blackberries galore....  Our computer somehow links to our stereo which has speakers throughout the house.  I can start a playlist in iTunes and have it play in the kitchen and change the song from my iPhone.  Cool, huh?  Absolutely NO IDEA HOW IT WORKS.  We have a Wii and it can play movies from Netflix.  The list goes on.  Some of you may be wondering > yeah, big deal we do to.  But really, it is a bit weird.  We actually have to have a manual for our tv remote which controls every other electronic in the house so when a poor teenager comes over to babysit our kids for our yearly evening out, they can watch something other than PBS.

I hear constantly about how we should have an Apple TV, wireless way to backup files, some other strange video consoles, different computers, etc.  I have no idea and listen idlely as I wonder if I could ever get a Le Creuset pot.  I have no idea why I want one.  Really, what a strange desire.  I am not exactly a master chief, but it is so pretty - that yummy apple green color - it makes me want to cook.  

Anyway, the one electronic that hubby has been haunting me about for years is that I should get a Kindle.  Actually, he thinks I need an iPad, but considering I have an iPhone, usually am at the house for at least 75% of the day and have access to TV and computers for the majority of that time, and I HATE VIDEO GAMES, I am not sure that is really a necessity in life.  I mean really, I can only be so plugged in.  I can check facebook, emails, blogs and be perfectly happy on my iPhone.  But I digress.

So, anyway, he has decided I need a Kindle and I have resisted and resisted and resisted.  I love books.  I love the way they look.  I love the way they smell.  I love all the shiny colors on a bookshelf looking back at me, winking.  I can gaze at my bookshelves for hours and read the titles of the books in there.  I don't think I have ever thrown away a book.  I still have books from college.  Heck, in my attic I have EVERY SINGLE ONE of my childhood books.  Sweet Valley High? Sweet Valley Twins? Babysitters Club?   (Yeah, apparently I developed a love of chick lit at a young age.)  Superfudge? Judy Blume? Ramona?  Yep they are all up in my attic, lovingly packed away.  I occasionally look through them, get misty eyed and remember the stories as sometimes these characters were my closest friends.  Then I remember they are books for girls and I am apparently a boy maker and put them back away.   Anyway, I have a love affair with books, that despite having kids, has not stopped.  It may hide away, but usually comes back every couple of months where I sit down and literally ravish a book away.  I disappear to a bookstore, childless, and return hours later with a book in hand. Hubby sees the glint in my eye and it is 2 full days where I sit on a couch and speak not a word to anyone.  Not hubby, kids or anyone else.  I literally devour it and feeling a bit satisfied I can go back to my daily everyday life.  

So to recap, I have a love affair with books.  Hubby says I have to get a kindle.  I say no way in hell, until this winter.  

I finally caved and got a Kindle for Christmas.  It was right before the first of the 1 million snowstorms that have hit the Northeast in 3 weeks. It was the week after Christmas and I caved.  I needed a book to read.  So I drove myself to Barnes and Noble and stared at the Nooks.  Then I decided, what the hell.  Best Buy is next door and they let you return now with no restocking fee.  I will try it out for this blizzard and I can always return it.  So I bought the last Kindle in the area and went home.  

Let me tell you, I did not fall in love with the Kindle.  It was not a book.  And yes, it reads like a book (although sometimes you still get a glare).  But it is not a book.  Can I say it again, it is not a book.  But, I can still fall into a story and read and read and read. I can still get the high from the story.  So I caved to the kindle.  I don't have the book spines winking at me from a bookshelf.  I don't have the glossy pictures to gaze at while I try to remember the story.  I don't have the weight of it keeping me comfort.  I don't have the hours of silence wandering a bookstore looking for the next great book.  

But, you know what I do have?  UNLIMITED ACCESS TO BOOKS!!! I don't have to wait until there is time in the day to go to the bookstore.  I don't have to drag 2 kids that just want me to read them books in the children's section with me.  I don't have only enough time to quickly glance at the NYTimes bestsellers section and grab the next thing that looks like chick lit.  I can now sit and read.  I can finish a book and start another.  I can read any book I want.  I can look through lists and lists of books and find something that might be interesting. And I can read the first chapter first to decide if I like it before I actually buy it.  And I can do it while sitting in my pajamas on my couch at midnight.  I now can always have a book to read.  Since the week after christmas I have read 4 books.  Yes, count 'em - 4 books in 4 weeks!  Hot Damn People! I haven't been able to do that since - well, since ever.  I can sit down at 8 PM after the kids are snug in their beds and read to 11 EVERY NIGHT for the rest of my life.

I can read again.  And that is why I caved for a Kindle. 

 

Third Times a Charm

It is amazing what changes when you have been pregnant 3 times (4 if you count the miscarriage) in 5 years.  Let's just make a list and compare (and I know, I know, don't yell.  But really 30 months of not being able to do anything!!!  900 plus days!!!  Seriously!!!)

• Prenatal vitamins.  Diligently taken every single day.  Now I am lucky if I remember once a week.
• Nutrition.  Uhm, what is nutrition.  Uhm, what is food.  You know how they say that your baby develops a taste for food in utero?  Yeah, my baby is going to have a taste for coffee and peanuts.  That is about all I ever remember to eat and yes, I have still gained over the recommended 25-30 lbs.
• Limited Caffeine:  HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!  whomever decided that obviously didn't have other children that decided sleeping through the night is so overrated.  I mean really.  Go to bed at 10.  Wake up at 1, 3, 5 and start your day at 6.  Now, don't even look at caffeine.  Really, pretend that there is no such thing as caffeine.  Now, work and run around after a 4 year old and 2 year old.  I bet that recommendation on limited caffeine increases 3 fold.
• No alcohol.  Ok.  Yeah right.  No alcohol.  Excuse me, see limited caffeine.  Then add taking care of a husband.  Kids are clingy and crying.  No one is listening.  There is 6 feet of snow outside and you are snowed in. You have spent the entire day watching Spectacular Spiderman, Power Rangers, Diego and every other annoying show on the planet (I do thank god that I have boys and am not forced to watch Camp Rock and Hanna Montana).  Now tell me that I can't have a glass of wine, every once in a while.
• Add on to this, count your baby's kicks (yeah right). Remember which fish have mercury and don't eat it.  Heat up your cold cuts before eating.  Don't eat hot dogs. And the list goes on and on. 

So what I am saying, to all you out there is give me a break.  I say everything in moderation.  

I am not saying go out there and follow my lead and forget to eat a nutritious meal 5x a day.  But I am saying, if I forget to eat a nutritious meal/snack say 3 out of 5 times a day, my baby won't come out with 6 heads.  (At least I hope not).  And I am not saying that I go get wasted every night, but I am saying that a glass of wine once a week while eating a meal most likely won't really hurt. I mean, they  are allowed to in Europe.  Especially when there is only 7 weeks left.  And I am tired.  And we are having a yummy meal and it is cold outside and a fire in the fireplace and friends all around.  

Just saying, if you see me at a restaurant.  With a glass of wine, a bowl of nachos and a huge belly.  Don't give me the dirty looks.  See the smile on my face?  That is because there is a glass of wine and a bowl of nachos.  Maybe instead just smile and think what a glow I have.  The flush is definitely the heat and not the wine.  Promise  ;)

 

PS>  I just had to remember all the other things.  Just even about baby!!

How about prewashing all the clothes in Dreft?  The only thing that is sensitive enough for a baby's skin.  Now, I 100% adore the smell of dreft.  It just smells of baby.  But that does equate to an additional 2 loads of laundry every time.  I mean, can Tide really be so bad?

Or sterilizing the bottles and binkies in boiling water?  How about just using the dishwasher?  

I Took A Hiatus

But, I am back.  I truly am.  I had to take a hiatus.  I was feeling rather lost and boring.  I am not really sure why.  I was busy and crazy and yet still feeling boring.  I mean, let's face it.  I was a mother of 2 kids.  I worked 40 hours a week.  I didn't have time to do anything but that.  I was (probably still am) a shell of myself pre-kids.  And blogging was making me realize that every single day.  Every single day that I looked at a blank page and realized I had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO SAY!

So I tried to find time to do things that would fill the pages.  

I decided to do a meal plan.  Uhm, I hate planning meals.  I mean to the core of my body hate planning meals.  I would rather be in the grocery store at 5 pm that evening with 2 screaming hungry children trying to get ingredients for some 30 minute meal (that never ever really takes 30 minutes) then plan ahead and write it down and then abide by it.  I mean seriously.  I am a fickle eater and have cravings.  How in the world could I predict what I would be craving on Thursday on a Sunday morning over coffee?  Really people, how do you do it??

I decided to go back and do photography.  Except you know what.  I had no time for that.  At all.  I had 2 little kids that require 3 trillion times the amount of attention I could give.  I am pretty sure a nature walk where I tried to take some interesting photos would not be in the near future.  On a nature walk I am to busy carrying one of them and telling the other not to touch the poison ivy to even consider holding up a camera.  And although all of you love me.  The 1 million pictures of my babies were getting boring even to me.

I decided to do book reviews.  HA.  Let's all just stop there and laugh for a minute.  If I didn't have time to plan dinner, when in the world would I have time to read a book.  And keep my eyes open.

I could do tv show reviews ... if I could stay awake through them.  Or movie reviews, if i could see something other than a kids cartoon... 

So, I decided to take a hiatus.  Stop trying to blog and just do my thing.  And my thing was work, take care of kids, sleep, and DRINK A LOT OF WINE.  Oh, yummy wine.  So nice to have you on a nightly basis.  One glass, so delicious.  How I miss you.  But I digress.

Over the past year plus, I have often thought about going back to blogging but the majority of my time is consumed with working and I can't write about it so I have always stopped.  But, I decided that I wanted to go back to it.  Yes, my life may be boring and all, but it is my life.  I do what I do and I love it.  So here I am ... Back again.  The mom of 3 and 2/3 kids.  (Yes, I am including my husband as a full child).  So, let's start this journey again....

You all have Done it

Done what you may ask?  You know that you have contemplated that switch.  The one where you find out your pregnant and you have to make that decision.  THE DECISION!!! The only one that really matters in your mind once you find out your pregnant.  The one that you will forever be judged for... by your friends, by your family, by the strangers that you meet, and ultimately by that baby that you are carrying around. 

THE DECISION:  Should I go back to work or should I stay at home with the kids???

I am not here to judge you for that decision.  I am not here to say anything about it.  For each of you have made your own decisions.  I have 2 children.  I have gone painstakingly through this decision each time.  From the time I have peed on the stick to the time that my maternity leave was over, I contemplated whether or not I wanted to go back to work. 

With my oldest (now age 4.5), it was the easiest decision.  I was 29 years old.  I was young and still thought that I could do it all.  Heck, I didn't have any kids, all the energy in the world and the idealistic thought that I could be the perfect mom and still work 60 hours a week.  I could cart my kids to daycare, work from home 3 days a week.  My weekends were free to enroll in playgroups and swimming lessons and music classes.  We had vacations to pay for and houses to buy and cars to afford.....
I WAS going back to work.  Everyone else's opinions be damned.  My parents were old fashioned.  I would be bored taking care of just a baby - I was on the fast track and doing way to well at work.... Why waste my $100K college education?  Man, I was a cocky bitch, huh?  But I did it.  I did it happily and you know what, I made it work.  Maybe I wasn't always the best mom or the finest at my job, but both still went pretty smoothly....Then I got pregnant again.

With my second child (now age 2), the decision, although not as easy, was still pretty cut and dry.  I was going back to work.  I could do it with 1, I can do it with 2.  This time, I negotiated my job let me work full time out of the house with Friday's off.  40 hours in 4 days.  A full time nanny, because ultimately, I missed being home with my kids.  I wanted to be able to run downstairs and see those first steps, smiles and everything else.  But, I wasn't ready to say I don't want to work.  I had the best of both worlds.  Flexible job, kids at home... I was still not fit to be a stay at home mom.  I still wanted to work and succeed.  What would I do when they were 5 and 7?  At school for 30 hours a week?  I would never find a job then.

But the little things started to eat me up.  I realized that I couldn't be Super Mom and Employee of the Year at the same time.  Things had to give.  And I didn't like that one bit.  I am Type A perfectionist to a fault.  The only thing that stops it from being a fault is that I recognize that I am a Type A Perfectionist and laugh about it.  But the laughing doesn't mean that I still don't want and expect myself to be perfect.  But, I still could put on the smile, pull the all nighters after the kids went to bed because I played hooky for a day to volunteer at pre-school, or set up a play date for the kids, or went to a playgroup.  See, there just weren't enough hours on the weekends to do set things up for both kids.  And maybe, I didn't get them swimming lessons yet, and music class fell to the waste side, but those were the facts of life.  I keep telling myself I didn't do it and I turned out fine.  I know how to ice skate (barely), ski (kinda), swim (well), and when I was younger I could play the piano and sports and everything else.  We were going to be fine.

But then, BANG.  Baby #3 is on the way - due in March, 2011.  Surprise!  And that's when I realized.... I can't do it all.  And you know what?  I don't want to anymore.  So, I peed on the stick and when it said positive, all those aspirations of being this crazy career woman and mother went down the drain.  Maybe I am just bored with my job. Maybe I just needed a change.  but mostly, I am just tired.  I can't run on that treadmill anymore, so for me, something had to give.  And that for me was my career.  See ya later.  Adios.... My family is the most important thing in the world to me, and if I wanted to remain even slightly sane, I needed to give something up.  So short of walking out of this house and pretending that kids didn't exist, I had to give up that pesky career that I loved for 10+ years.

So that's it.  That's my story and that's what my blog is about.  How in the world a full time driven career mom can become a stay at home mom.  I am terrified.  I am not sure that this decision will last through my 12 weeks of maternity leave.  But, for the past 7 months I have convinced myself that I need to stop being a working mom and start being a stay at home mom.  Maybe give it a go the third time around.  Who know's maybe I might even enjoy it????

Boo!

Boo, am i back?  I am not sure yet.  It has been months.  Too many months and I miss my friends.  You lovely ladies that were part of my life for months, many months.  But, boo!  I am not sure I can do it.  

Life is overwhelming with 2 kids.  Way to overwhelming.  But, hey - I started this when Michael was 1.  And now Aidan is going to be 1.  I know!!! can you believe it?  Oh faithful followers that were there during that dreadful miscarriage and pregnancy.  Yes.  He is now one.  Wanna see a picture?

yes that little sh*t is walking. And how about the 3 1/2 year old.  

Yep - he is in preschool... Can I believe it? No - he is such a little man.. and oh the conversations we have!

how about that we have a nanny again. That daycare crashed.... again.  That life has been so freaking crazy hectic I don't even know where to start. Do you think you can forgive me?  I have been stalking you though.  Reading your blogs knowing about your life.  But my life, really?  

It Could Happen To You

This past weekend, Michael was bitten in the face by a dog.  No permanent damage physically, no stitches needed.  Pretty sure he won't have rabies.  But still, nonetheless quite a traumatic experience all around. 

I know what most of you are thinking, a 3 year old and a dog don't mix.  You probably are assuming he pulled an ear, tail, snout, hit the dog, etc.  But, here's the sad fact.  He didn't do anything.  He was not touching the dog and sadly he was starting to back away from the dog.  No one knows why the dog snapped.  It breaks my heart to think about it.

So, I can give you the background story, from what hubby told me.  I wasn't in the room when it happened, but thank god he was standing next to him.  If he hadn't been, I don't think I would be sitting at my computer typing about it. I would most likely be sitting at a hospital bed praying that they could do something to recover his eyes/check/lips, etc.

Here is my disclaimer. Michael is extremely skiddish around dogs.  He does not like a dogs face - isn't that poetic?  He would reluctantly pet a dog because hubby or I would want him to but as soon as that dogs face would turn to him he would flinch and back away quickly. You can only imagine what getting over this fear is going to be like now.

Anyway, we went to visit friends about an hour away for the afternoon.  It was a beautiful Saturday during Memorial day weekend and we hadn't seem them in months.   They used to be across the street and we would be with them at least 2 nights a week for dinner so to say we were close friends was true.  But, they moved an hour away and don't have kids.  As all of you know, that makes it harder.  So anyway, we all get in the car and make our way there.  When we got to their house, they leashed the dog.  And seeing that Michael was a bit shy, they put him behind the gate.  James and I have should have just left him there.  They told us how the dog had snapped at another child for pulling his tail.  James and I should have listened a bit harder.  But, Michael was excited about the dog and James and my innocence really wanted him to be exposed to the dog because we want him to love dogs as we do.  So, dog's dinner time is coming and we have been there for about 30 minutes.  James and I had interacted with the dog and didn't find anything to make us suspect he shouldn't be around kids. So we offered to let the dog out from behind the gate.   We watch Michael like a hawk around dogs because he is a bit scared and we don't know if he would do something to the dog.  So, I sat on the floor with him and the dog and we pet it.  We taught Michael not to pet the dog unless the dog knew.  Michael was hesitant around the dog but again would only pet the bum.  I got up and walked into the kitchen to help prepare dinner. To this day I am so thankful that James stayed in the room.  That James was watching like a hawk.  That James was standing next to them.  The next thing I hear is Michael's screams.  I run into the room and he looks fine.  I ask if the dog bit him and they said yes.  I expected it on the hand.  I did not expect my son to lift his head up and his face to be covered in blood.

Maternal instinct is an amazing thing.  I have heard about those mothers that can lift cars off of their kids.  The thing about it is that once something happens to your child and you hear those screams that is the only thing you hear.  You are so completely focused on your child that nothing else being said or done comes onto your radar.  I have no idea what happened to the dog.  I have no idea how I sprinted across the room, how we got him into the kitchen, how I got my child into my arms.  I do not know if there was an apology, what the excuse was, what happened.  All I knew was that my baby was injured and I had to determine how to make it better.

So, after we calmed him down enough to see the injuries and determined that the dog had not ripped off his nose, lip, cheek, eye, etc.  We went to the hospital.  It comes to find out that he had a scratch a hair away from the corner of his eye from a paw, and 4 puncture wounds - 3 on his cheek and one in his lip. The dr said they tend not to stitch those bites and they like to let them ooze and heal on their own. 

So, what was the back story? The story from James is that Michael was kneeling in front of the dog.  James told Michael to stand up.  Michael was backing away from the dog when the dog snapped. No one knows why.  Maybe it was because Michael had a cracker in his hand.  Maybe the dog didn't like him in his space.  But something happened and in all tails of the story, Michael did not provoke.  He was not petting, hitting, leaning into the dog. But, still something spooked the dog.

So, that is the tale.  We will never know.  Thank god James was standing within inches and got the dog off in time.  Thank god it wasn't worse.

Three Years Ago Today

Dear Michael,

Three years ago today, I was sitting in a hospital bed waiting for the worst to be over.  The hardest part was the waiting and finally we were going to meet our son.  Little did we know that the stubburn behavior shown then would be a behavior carried out in his life. 

Three years ago today, I didn't know how much my life could change and how much better it could be.

Three years ago today, I didn't know that I could spend hours playing animal stampede.

Three years ago today, I didn't know that I had it in me to make a Mickey Mouse Cake from scratch because the cake molds are discontinued and the grocery store didn't have one and that was what you wanted.

Three years ago today, I didn't know that we would spend hours dancing around the house to the latest pop songs.

Three years ago today, I didn't know that the best thing to do when feeling down is to watch you sleep.

Three years ago today, I didn't know that my biggest fear would be not being around to see you "all growed up".

Three years ago today, I didn't know that I would cry when you were no longer in diapers.

Three years ago today, I didn't know that it was possible to love a person the way a mother loves her son.

Three years ago today, I didn't know that a three year old can hug you with every ounce of his body.

Three years ago today, I didn't know that the slightest smile from your baby can wipe away any bad day.

Three years ago today, I didn't know that I could answer the question Why so many times.

Three years ago today, I didn't know that I could go from so frustrated to hysterical laughing by just a quip from your mouth.

Three years ago today, I didn't know that I would forever have the Little Einsteins song stuck in my head.

Three years ago today, I had no idea that you could be an amazing big brother.

Three years ago today, I didn't know that you would love so much and with such conviction that I now love the same things, just because.

Three years ago today, I didn't know that a snuggle could keep you warm for weeks.

Three years ago today, I didn't know how much my life would change for the better.

Three years ago today, I didn't know what unconditional love was.

You have changed my life in so many ways and for that, I am forever grateful.

Love,

Mom