A Taboo Subject

I know that the subject I am about to talk about is taboo. I am not sure why, though...

A few bloggy friends that I have just started reading has just let all of us know that her pregnancy was not viable. My heart absolutely aches for her. I have sat here and started crying because I just know how absolutely undescribable this lose is to her. I have been through the pain and I can only let her know that it will subside. Since I am relatively new to reading her, it sounds as though this is not the first time she has experienced this lose.

The worst part of having a miscarriage is the "embarrassment" of having to tell people that you are no longer pregnant. And I am not sure why. I originally waited to tell people when we were pregnant in the fall. I lost that baby at 10 weeks. I was so hurt and sad and all that I wanted was the support of my friends and family. Yet, I didn't have that support because almost no one knew I was pregnant. So it was more of a hey - i am really sad because I just had a miscarriage and I need to tell you because I need more love right now.

So, here is the thing. When I started telling people that I miscarried, I learned that most of my close friends had miscarried at some point. I can name almost a dozen people that I am close with that have miscarried at least once. Now, I am not the girl that surrounds herself with 100 close friends. I am the girl that has a handful of them and would rather have a really deep friendship with a few rather than superficial ones with a lot. So, what I am saying is that the majority of my close friends that have wanted a baby have had a miscarriage. Yet, we NEVER talk about it.

I guess I don't really understand why, we talk about when we attend a funeral, we talk about the lose of life all the time. Yet, the lose of the baby who hasn't been born yet, that we chose to hide and never discuss. Is it because the wound will never heal? Is it because we think everyone will think something is wrong with us? Is it because it is too hard? Is it because we don't want to see the sympathy in someone's eyes or the sadness cross someone's face? Is it just too darn personal? Or are we afraid to say it out loud because all of our fears that it could happen again or that we have fertility issues would be out there for the world to know and that makes us vulnerable?

I am not sure. But one of my closest friends had taught me that it is ok to talk about it. We talk about my 1 miscarriage and her multiple many many times. It is a part of who we are and it is something that we think about alot. I know that I am one of the lucky ones. Someone who already has 1 child and is about to have a healthy (cross your fingers) second one. One that has managed to conceive again after a miscarriage, one that the doctor's don't think has any issues with conceiving a child and bringing it to full term. But, that doesn't mean that I don't worry about it and it doesn't mean that the one we lost doesn't hurt as much.

I do think that we as women need to do what makes us feel best. We should support those that need our support and our love and our prayers. We shouldn't judge those that decide to share this information because those that need our love and support tell us. And I don't think that we should hide our pain and sadness from the world's eye. We should tell the world and sing from the hilltops about it if that will make us heal. We should not be ashamed...

Comments

[grammie]

Great, insightful post.

Along with that, friends have told me that when people make certain comments to them after a miscarriage...it can be hurtful....even though they are well-intended...such as: "It was for the best...", "It wasn't meant to be"...."Better that it occurred if the baby wasn't going to be normal.."...etc.etc.

I think that it is very important for all women who go through a miscarriage to be able to mourn the loss of their child...I don't think that society always allows for that.

As a mother of two grown sons....and a grandmother of two gorgeous grandbabies...with a third one on the way, I very much enjoy reading your motherhood journey and have recommended your blog to my daughters-in-law. Your honesty is refreshing.

Take care,
Grammie

[misty]

When we lost our babies, and I began to suspect I'd never birth a child (and I won't) I felt like the hugest failure. I think that's what it was for me, and the reason I never wanted to talk about it. I was surrounded by several incompetent people who should NEVER have had children, and I couldn't even pull it off. I felt like I was failing, and maybe like I'd been rejected...
I'm not saying it's the same for all women- but you are right. More women have gone through it that we, at first, realize

[Debbie]

Miscarriage is a secret club. One you never hope your friends will have to join. I didn't tell a lot of people in "real life" that I was pregnant. Actually, just one besides the hubs. And that's John Deere Mama and that's cuz she's observant and hella nosey and I can't lie to save my life. I lost my first baby at 8 weeks, after having seen the heartbeat on the screen the day before. Now we know there's something "wrong" with me that increases my risk of miscarriage and having "normal" babies, but I still miss that first little one and hope to see her (I thought she was a girl, but had no confirmation) one day. I think it's just too painful to talk about, so we don't. My mom didn't even know until after I had Addison. I tend to be pretty private IRL though, but my online friends held me up during that painful time. I still can't really talk about it without crying. Okay, I'm crying now. Thanks. That's twice today a blog has made me cry.

[Kat]

Beautiful post, girlie...my heart ached as I read your post. it brought back the pain like it was fresh again. Before my loss at 14 weeks, I was that girl that was insensitive and said stuff like "well, at least you have another child" or "you'll get pregnant again" and now, I tear up and hurt for that person. Although I completely felt a loss with my miscarriage, I am grateful that I now have insight to be there for anyone close to me that maybe I wasn't there for before...

I am becoming a huge fan of your blog...love it and have to have my daily dose! Thanks again for the great post.

[Neli]

I have had three misses and not one child so it is a taboo subject. Several of my so call friends are very ignorant at times. The comment that I have grown to hate and I mean HATE is "You'll never know what it feels like because you are not a mother." When they are talking about their kids. HELLO .. I just want to scream until I keel over. So kudos to you for you blog.