I feel Awful

So, I am not sure what to do and I need you ladies to help me out here.  Here is the story:

In the past  few months, I have started to become close friends with another woman in the neighborhood. Our children are all within months of each other and our 2 boys act like brothers.  They are constantly calling for each other and then when they get together they fight over the same toys.  Mom is like me - down to earth and chill on the parenting. Loves to have a drink at night and have a good time.  She is a straight shooter and I find it refreshing to not have to put up with the stepford neighborhood politics with her.  Anyway, over the past few months we have bonded.  And I would say that she is a close friend at this point.

That being said, as my baby and I were walking around the block, I saw her drive up.  As she had been on vacation for the past week and I will be next week, I was excited to catch up. The first words out of her mouth was that her 7 week old daughter was in NICU since the previous night.  Oh my god! I felt awful.  The diagnosis was a scary one and one that I, being pregnant, could not be around since it was contagious.  Her son was at home for the past 3 hours with his Aunt sobbing for his mother.  She (who has this tough as nails exterior) was on the verge of tears.  She couldn't stop to talk, but she asked that I didn't tell anyone about it.  (I had thought more about what the diagnosis was rather than the fact that she was spending 18 hours a day in the hospital). 

I was so upset for her. I couldn't do anything for her. I couldn't go near them. I had to quarantine us from her at the time she needed the most support.  So, I made a decision to tell another woman in the neighborhood that she is extremely close with (at least I had thought she was, although maybe she isn't as much as I thought she was). I just stopped by and said that the baby was in the hospital, no diagnosis yet, but since they didn't know what was going on I wasn't sure if I could help out and that I think she needed some help - at least a hug.  I begged her not to share the information with anyone else and since she is one of the most unlikely of people to discuss anything like that she reassured me she would not.

Needless to say, I stopped by last night to drop off a bottle of wine and some smokes to help her relieve the stress.  She was on the phone and said she would call me later.  I spoke to her this morning and she was a bit pissed that I had told our mutual friend about her daughter.  I apologized and explained that it was only with the best intentions at heart.  That the guilt I felt that I wouldn't be able to help surpassed her request since she needed someone to help and couldnt go it alone. She said she forgave me, but I do feel horrible.

Now, I know that I can't do anything to change what I did, nor do I think that I would necessarily do something else as I do think that she needs help as she and her hubby are spending about 18 hours a day in a hospital.  But, I wonder if I should write her a note and drop it off with a dinner I made for them explaining again my intentions or if I should just leave it be.  Thoughts?

Also, keep her family in your thoughts.  It is a traumatic experience to have your newborn in the hospital for a period of time and does a number on everyone!

Comments

[Kat]

don't sweat it girl..I am sure that she is more stressed with the situation and being pissed with someone is sometimes a lot easier than facing something feared square on. I am sure that this is news that will travel fast, because people need the support of their dear friends.
Since you cannot be there to visit here or the baby, maybe you can set up dinners to be taken to the house or to the hospital by other people. Arrange it through your church and have someone that doesn't know her to transport the dinners. There are many things you can do from afar, but your friendship is the first and most important thing she needs right now. Seriously, she probably just needed to have some anger vented...

[Debbie]

I'm a little unclear why she's so against people knowing, but my kid was inpatient for months, so there was no secrecy. I would just take the dinner, and try to help her out as you can. Once she's through the stress of this, maybe you can discuss it again if you feel it's still just "there" between the 2 of you.

[misty]

i am thinking that, in the clarity of a moment (someday) she would look back and realize it was honorable and kind-what you did. To see her need and reach out as best you could. I would, possibly, do the dinner and a note-but forego the repeat explanation. Just a kind, loving note and dinner...

[Danielle]

Something sounds fishy here... I know you care about her, but it's not adding up for me. Why doesn't she want friends to know that her baby is in the hospital? What can be so contagious?

She was probably stressed. Apologize when you speak next and just iterate that you were worried and felt helpless.

My curiosity is in overload though...

[Renee]

I think you did the best you could in a tough situation. You explained and she must have understood if she said she forgave you (even if it takes some time for her emotions to catch up with her brain).

Now, you need to stop beating yourself up about it. She is probably so consumed with her situation that she isn't thinking about what happened between you guys.

I think sending over dinner is always a great idea. I'm tempted to say, "No need to dredge up the situation with a note" but I think if you are still feeling uncomfortable about what happened, then a simple, "I'm so sorry about the other day. I value our friendship and am praying for you all everyday" would cover it.

It's totally normal that you feel the way you do - it just means that you really do care.

[Melisa]

I agree with everyone else - she's in a highly stressful situation, working off of virtually no sleep and is most likely worried about both her baby and her son at home. She's not in a place to think about it rationally and see it from where you stand. That said, once she's through this terrible patch, she'll hopefully see that you only shared the news with the best of intentions.

In the meantime, I would definitely do the dinner and a note option. I'm always a fan of bringing by a dinner and or something for her son to keep him amused since it sounds like he's getting left behind with relatives while mom and dad deal with the hospital stuff. If you do write a note, just let the apologies go and let her know you're thinking about her, care about her and are there with a shoulder to cry on or vent to (via phone if needed) any time she needs it.

In the meantime, try not to beat yourself up about it. My guess is that I would have done the same thing had I been in your shoes.

[Christine]

Ok - all of you made me feel a heck of a lot better. So I dropped off the dinner and opted to just pretend nothing else happened. She was still at the hospital. And for those that are curious - it is menigitis. I didn't want to post it but since no one knows I blog in the neighborhood it is pretty safe. They are pretty sure it was only viral although they are still waiting for the rest of the info.
Thank you for your advice!

[Scary Mommy]

I've gotten in trouble before doing the same type of thing. You were acting out of concern, I don't think you did anything wrong. She needs all the support & help she can get. I would just let it go and be there for her... How scary.

[Debbie]

Don't feel guilty ...what's done is done...I think the idea of a note and a dinner is excellent. She will appreciate the gesture and it will alleviate the worry of cooking and/or one more take out meal. Keep us posted about the baby too!